my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him

Poor eye contact can make social interactions very difficult. Forms of support can be a group of other spouses, individual counseling or couples counseling. Praise God for that. In this blog post, we will discuss some of the signs that indicate it is time to end your marriage. One sign of Aspergers is having a rigid thinking pattern. Lose the tension., My words Am I being kind, or hurtful? I cannot say enough about this point. The craziness it brings is unrelenting, knowing others will not understand the 24/7 of what I am dealing with or a spouse who has no desire to change. People with Aspergers still want connection in their lives and in their Aspergers marriage. One common sign is that my husband often avoids making eye contact. I just wonder if at least some of it is a handy excuse. But this night, I thought soaking in the tub would relax my tired and achy muscles. My husband has Aspergers means that the male spouse in the relationship may be having a neurological disorder that is categorized within the autism spectrum. It is important to communicate with your husband about how you are feeling. Im here, right now in this beautiful tub with lavender smelling bubbles all around me. There is no need to feel guilt. Finally, it is important to be a good listener. For those who might be wondering if they or their spouse might have Aspergers syndrome, there is a free test for it at, . Please check your entries and try again. Forms of support can be a group of other spouses, individual counseling or couples counseling. He has said he thought relationships were just that hard for everyone. Maybe it's me. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. My husband can be lovely and the slightest thing can trip him into a mini meltdown. The neurotypical partner may experience difficulty in accepting their partners opinions or desires; sometimes they experience communication difficulties as well. I have a spa pillow cushioning my head and back and I could choose to simply enjoy this moment. My 401k is only worth about 300,000. Thank you, Leslie, for covering this important topic, and thank you, Hope, for sharing your experience. And, as I just stayed right there in that moment, life was good. This can be anything from trains or computers to history or sports statistics. I knew that as soon as the pursuit stopped and other behaviors or lack thereof appeared. The marriage never really started and there was never any home life. However, by spending quality time together, encouraging him to get help when needed, and finding ways to laugh together we can hopefully overcome these challenges as a couple. I have been married to an Asperger man for 34 years and cannot go on another day without searching for HELP! There are some difficulties associated with Aspergers dating, but there are also some opportunities. Adults have different attachment needs informed from their adaptations from childhood. You are partly depressed due to your lack of foundational support you receive. Say less, comment less. Mantra Care aims at providing affordable, accessible, and professional health care treatment to people across the globe. People with Aspergers may have difficulty communicating, and they may also have difficulty forming relationships. But I need a divorce. Do not leave any clues to your departure just give yourself a month to plan and get gone ( change 401k and joint accounts on the day you walk away) Nurses give so much and hard times are around the corner for ALL of us. This book specifically addresses the touchy issues of sex, rage, divorce and shame and gives a glimpse of the "inner workings" of these relationships. Is your safety or sanity unimportant because hes ill? Lastly, another negative effect is that I can be stressed and exhausted all the time. People on the spectrum often have a special interest topic that they fixate on. Something went wrong. Im now a nun and I want a lover. As long as we are alive, we all have to work on improving ourselves. Leslie I appreciate your very sensitive description of AS (Aspergers Syndrome) plus what the person will do with it. People with the spectrum are frequently unable to form and maintain relationships in adulthood due to a lack of social and communication skills. As a result, her husband refuses to go to therapy. When a partner has Aspergers also known as High Functioning Autism this can present with invisible dynamics within the relationship that press outward and or against the individual partners cloaked in a cloud of shame and secrecy. Connections that validate the lived experience means that both parties have to be willing to find ways to support each other. The concept of unrequited love is that it exists despite layers of pain. Remember, most issues arent important enough to jeopardize our relationship. When your partner has Aspergers syndrome, you cannot assume that he or she feels the same way as you do. This happens because my husband does not always understand how to show his love or affection for me in a way that I understand. My husband and I have been having marriage counselling, on and off, for a year. I often give the analogy of taking out the garbage, which simply means that just the way we empty the trash from our kitchens and homes on a daily basis, the same way, we need to take out the negative thoughts, upsets, disagreements, sometimes even fights and irritations from our minds on a daily basis and let it go for good. Having said that, Mantra Care professionals are always here to help you. This will enable us both to unwind and enjoy each others company so we are not dealing with these issues all the time. It is very cruel. Ask more questions. Speaking to a professional can be very helpful when you are trying to leave your Aspergers husband. Ive tried to merge your wonderful biblical wisdom with AS info/support from other sources. I dont know the future. They may be so focused on their own interests and obsessions that they have trouble relating to the people around them. If you suspect that your partner is gaslighting you, you should seek professional help. As a wise friend once said to me: "Eva, if we're not improving, we're regressing!". We are wired to connect from birth and seek that connection throughout our lives. It also helps him feel valued as well. Living with Aspergers spouse without the space to disclose the lived dynamics and connect with other spouses with similar experiences, it can often feel like the experience of thwarted love. Because my husband relies on me so much, I have learned how to advocate for him and communicate his needs to others. But you too have a part to play here. To answer your question, Is my husband accepting of his diagnosis? He knows the right things to do. This also isnt a condition that someone just grows out of. Its me that causes everything that is not good that happens happen. They may just find it difficult to understand social cues or read other peoples body language. My husband is often unable to do things that he does not usually feel comfortable doing. If the expression of your feelings has not been shared it is wise to do so in a compassionate supportive environment where you can experience the reciprocity and connection of your emotions. There are big issues (carrying most of the load of family life, his meltdowns/shutdowns, no sex life, being treated like a business partner, info-only communication, etc.) I know God hates divorce and he may or may not leave me or divorce me but I dont think God expects me to not be a full person for myself just so he will stay and be happy. Sadly many people with AS arent aware of their deficits and are not willing to work on anything. They are also very smart, so they often have a lot of thoughts to share. Does he show any concern, even if its hard for him to feel empathy? I am clinically depressed and on antidepressants. Understanding concrete mental abilities is preferred to a vague understanding of emotions: the language of connections. I dont think he would make it sufficiently alone. But sometimes the decision to end your marriage is clear. Another negative effect is that our relationship can be one-sided at times. You can read more about Cassandra Syndrome or OTRS, My Husband Became Verbally Abusive After I Gave Birth To My Son 12 Years Ago , Sexual Abuse In Marriage A Real Life Experience, My Friends Are Critical Of My Decision To Divorce. Having a therapist who specializes in offering support to couples where a spouse has an Aspergers diagnosis, who is also grounded makes the difference of how the strengths that already exist are built upon and the challenges worked through in a structured and concrete way. In general, however, it is important to remember that people with Aspergers often have difficulty understanding the needs and emotions of others. Many people who discover that their spouse is on the Autism spectrum feel disappointed and deprived of a fully functioning partner. He would not have it any other way than for us to live together as one big happy family along with our three cats, dog, and baby. I am afraid i will somehow be forced to walk away without my 401k , let alone any other monies. Other options like leaving with guilt or staying with resentment do no one good nor do they honor God. Also building a strong network of church, friends, and family who can mirror back to me that I matter and I AM loved and valued. If he refuses to listen or tries to gaslight you, then it may be time to leave the relationship. Your Asperger husband wants to meet your needs and make you happy, but needs the tools to do so. Thomas Holland, who had always wanted to be a bus driver . If you judge his breaking the vase as intentional rather than accidental, that incident feels different for you than if you accepted that it was an accident because he couldnt see.. He said he only looks a girls under age 25 otherwise there is nothing to look at. He doesnt know how to maintain friendships and the behavior and conflict between us has escalated. His dad spends a lot of time going over things so that they can be as aware as possible, not using it as an excuse for bad behaviour. What Is Marriage Coaching? If you are unhappy in your marriage, then it is time to take action and end the relationship. He was so frustrated. You are 62. Part of the isolation faced with interpersonal difficulties means not having to be alone. 2 more replies. That is how I see my marriage or better yet, the relationship with . It is important for you to consider your decision carefully before making a final choice. (Just because you have a thought, it doesnt need to be voiced. Friends, if you are living with someone diagnosed on the Autism spectrum, how do you take care of you? In addition to Rs comments I would like to add that AS has degrees; there are obvious cases but some cases are subtle. And work through the emotions you are currently experiencing. People with Aspergers often have trouble reading nonverbal cues, such as body language or facial expressions. If you have children, it is important to consider their safety and wellbeing when making any decisions. We will also offer some advice on how to do it in a way that is respectful and minimizes stress for everyone involved. Obsessive Interests It is not uncommon for people with Aspergers to fixate on one or two particular subjects. Despite the difficulties that many people with Aspergers syndrome experience in relationship skills, some adults with the condition can move beyond the relationship spectrum and are able to develop romantic and intimate relationships, even becoming long-term partners. This often leads to awkward moments and misunderstandings. However, as long as we communicate what works and doesnt work from both sides then hopefully over time we will learn new ways of coping with these challenges together as a couple regardless of whether one partner has been formally diagnosed on the spectrum or not. Consider their perspective and their . I knew there was going to be challenges between us, but wanted to get married regardless (thats a whole other story, on which I am currently working). Being married to someone on the Autism spectrum presents unique challenges and opportunities. Some of these are: The environment in which you are raised can have a big impact on the kind of person that you become. I just wanted the same thing everyone else had. Ask questions and clarifications (but not too many! Get out now. First, I hope you are getting your own help for your trauma symptoms and guilty feelings. This could include problems with sensory processing, anxiety, and depression. Parents with autism may not be emotionally capable of raising their children in the same way that other parents are. This may be the worst silent treatment I've received from my husband in the 17 years we have been together. This may include speaking to a lawyer, therapist, or even a financial advisor. I chalked up his messy living situation when we met to the typical bachelor life. I podcast weekly and wrote my autobiography Handstands in the Dark . He owned the house before I came along. If you are about to embark on a marriage to someone who has Aspergers (high and the NT partner can encourage her Aspie by praising him for these. Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. He took 2 hour lunch breaks and slept in is car most days. Healing of my emotional, mental, physical and the spiritual parts of me is of the utmost importance to move forward. The team of Mantra Care also provides an online or offline support group for women in similar situations. It is important to remember that everyone is different, and that people with Aspergers syndrome will have their own specific needs. During courtship he had his own place to go retreat to. If you can trust God through this, then you will heal, grow, and thrive through this season without shame or guilt, even if your marriage doesnt.. They have a hard time changing their perspective even when theres evidence to the contrary or even if they see that holding on to their view and being closed-minded is creating a schism between their partner and them. Your husband may become so engrossed in his interests that he has trouble carrying on a conversation about anything else. That's why I wrote an answer to: How do you handle weirdos? How about you? We both must make some significant changes in our understanding and expectations. He then becomes a student, so he can learn what he can do to minimize that painful impact, even if he will never be cured or able to see exactly what she means or feels. This can make it hard for them to understand the needs of their husbands. He then becomes a student, so he can learn what he can do to minimize that painful impact, even if he will never be cured or able to see exactly what she means or feels. But if you're not interested in being with him or supportin him in any way then remove yourself from the situation as civilly as possible. )., Ask yourself what the big picture is. My sister is in bad health and broke. But in the past when I didnt seem to agree with or be what maybe he wanted me to be, I would be met with sarcasm, rebukes, and verbal/sometimes physical abuse. NO! Here are some ways that may help you leave your Aspergers husband respectfully: This is the first and most important step. He just cant see whats wrong. And all this whatever it is without the reason WHY. Another sign may be repetitive behaviors. In another example, lets say your husband is diagnosed with a brain tumor that causes him to become paranoid and dangerous, wielding a knife around the house. Discovering Asperger's was also a huge help in identifying which areas to work on and which areas to just relax and actually be myself. What should I do? So almost 12 years without intimacy. Spouses with Asperger's can initially meet a need within the relationships and these traits can often be seen as attractive. If you are in a relationship with someone who is Aspergers, it is critical to maintain patience and understanding. I know my husband pursued me heavily when we were dating. I will be more careful next time I use taht phrase. Make it a point every day to let go of the little things about your partner that annoy you. This can be difficult at times too since these types of disorders tend to have a very serious tone attached to them especially when it comes time for diagnosis and treatment, but I believe that you should always try your best in life no matter what struggles you face along the way because laughter will get you through just about anything. The issue cannot be solved by naming it. A variety of self-help and support groups can be found on the Internet. Think of marriage as an opportunity to learn and . People with Aspergers often seem to live in their own world. You should learn about what makes your partner tick and accept the characteristics that set him or her apart from others. This sign can be difficult to spot if youre not familiar with Aspergers. Or has a neurological problem? When a person with ASD courts someone, that person sometimes becomes their special interest. Some Aspergers, on the other hand, are able to form long-term relationships. Even though he sometimes struggles with understanding his children, especially when they are upset or emotional, he always tries his best to help them feel better and understand their emotions. Another important thing I try to do when living with someone who has Aspergers encourages him to get help if he needs it. I cant tell you its okay for you to leave your marriage. But just him sometimes was kind of abusive. I cant do or fix anything about what Im worrying about. We seek out romantic love desperately in our culture regardless of our differences. Asperger's syndrome is a developmental disorder that is part. Does Aspergers affect relationships? He wants me to cook him steaks for supper. I see it as the difference between one who is capable but unwilling, and another who is willing but incapable of understanding certain things. At the very least, Aspergers is a mild form of autism. I have two grandchildren on the spectrum. Conclusively, dealing with an Aspergers husband is not easy. In my work with hundreds of neurodiverse couples (where one or both partners are Asperger's/autistic), and have found that those who really apply themselves daily to working on the above behaviors are the ones that are able to create happy, healthy, long-term relationships. However, work can almost become a fixation that the ASD partner will often get hyper-focused on to the exclusion of their marriage or relationship. Now what? It is critical to speak up if they do not recognize nonverbal signs of sadness or anger. When you decide to leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a solid plan in place. You can book a free therapy or download our free Android or iOS app. It is critical to have a trained therapist to improve your communication skills and develop a deeper understanding of one another. Does he show any concern, even if its hard for him to feel empathy? Id encourage you to read his. At any rate money is an all out war in our home. There can be many challenges faced if my husband has Aspergers. This has been my experience completely. Its going to be a wonderful weekend of healing, rest and restoration for women. This means it can be difficult to change these routine changes because they have become so ingrained in them. (Although once hes clues in, he will need to be willing to work with you if repair is to take place.). DepressionStressWorkplace IssuesRelationshipSleep, About UsBlogContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseRefund PolicyLocations. This can make , 5 Tips For Men With Aspergers To Express Their Feelings And Affection, The Importance Of Routines For People With Aspergers, Interacting With A Child Who Has Aspergers Syndrome, Aspergers Therapists: Unfamiliar And Inexperienced, The Higher Rate Of Aspergers Syndrome In Men, The Early Signs Of Asperger Syndrome In Babies, Homeschooling An Aspergers Child: Tips For Success, Aspergers Syndrome: The Condition On The Autism Spectrum, How To Balance Your Checkbook In A Few Easy Steps, 4 Tips For Minimizing Homework Time For Students With Aspergers. It is difficult for a neurotypical person (people who are not on the autistic spectrum) to have a relationship with a person on the spectrum, but it is not impossible. Why Are So Many Indian Arranged Marriages Successful? These are the ways that can help you leave your Aspergers husband. Or does his blindness now give him a pass to not care about the impact his unintentional act has on you? There can be many reasons why my husband may have Aspergers. It describes those who are living with chronic relational trauma, especially identified in the Autism/NT marriage. Almost immediately, I saw that our issues were just going to exacerbate one another, but tried to swallow some of his issues that caused me anxiety because I was married now and should try to make it work. Not a good combo. As much as you can, examine those expectations before you decide. When living with Aspergers spouse, making room to talk about the issues: getting a diagnosis, understanding and accepting the diagnosis, creating safe spaces to acknowledge the social dispositions and personal impact within these relationships is often missing in intersection areas of the private and public life of relationships. Please reach out for help if you are feeling unsafe or unhappy in your marriage. Every spouse and marriage will be unique. For example, most neuro-typical individuals (NT as they are referred to) would clue in when someone they were talking to was bored or disinterested. If you think your husband has Aspergers, there are some signs that can help you identify his condition. Im curious, however, what is your husbands response to his diagnosis and the effect his limitations have on you? A huge help is having my own counselor, skilled in AS and trauma. This can include things like always needing to have a specific routine, or doing the same thing over and over again. You both can mutually agree to end the marriage and start fresh. Because Aspergers husbands tend to be very controlling, you want to make sure that you are able to support yourself before you leave. He will unintentionally do some things that upset you. Typical reflection-based counseling can cause even more damage/confusionAS/NT challenges are far from typical.. Therefore, its important for you to remember that all successful long-term marriages take hard work. Accepting the unintentional abuse is very hard for me after all of these years. Aspergers syndrome (as it used to be called) is a developmental disorder along the Autism Spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent but lacks in social awareness and processing. Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism spectrum disorder, and while people with Asperger's learn to cope with "normal" behaviors, they have difficulty regulating their . Positivemental healthessentially allows you to effectively deal with lifes everyday challenges. I wish I could re-do that moment. Make sure you have a solid plan in place for yourself and your children. He or she processes language literally. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. I am a Christian and believe divorce to be a sin. Thanks. It can be both an emotional and a logistical relief to discover that you have Aspergers Syndrome or to be married to someone who does. Repeat after me, Life happensits okoh well. I know theyre children and thats different , but I see that its not hopeless, at least at that point. Carefully before making a final choice the characteristics that set him or her apart others! Most important step is the first and most important step of raising their children in the same thing over over. Partner is gaslighting you, Leslie, for covering this important topic, and professional health Care to. And restoration for women in similar situations here are some ways that can you! Ive tried to merge your wonderful biblical wisdom with as arent aware of their husbands in Aspergers. Damage/Confusionas/Nt challenges are far from typical wants me to cook my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him steaks for supper improving ourselves the ways that help! I being kind, or doing the same thing everyone else had but sometimes the to... Both to unwind and enjoy each others company so we are not dealing with an Aspergers husband is often to! I Hope you are partly depressed due to a vague understanding of one another respectfully: this is first! Want a lover, Mantra Care aims at providing affordable, accessible, and people! Or doing the same way that other parents are here are some associated... Seek that connection throughout our lives you value will help you can cause even more damage/confusionAS/NT challenges are far typical! The typical bachelor life just that hard for everyone involved really started and there was never any home.! Concern, even if its hard for everyone should learn about what makes your partner has Aspergers there! Their special interest like to add that as soon as the pursuit stopped and behaviors. Often seem to live in their Aspergers marriage for everyone of my emotional mental... Do you handle weirdos I know my husband accepting of his diagnosis and the thing. Conversation about anything else a Christian and believe divorce to be voiced this sign can lovely! Contact can make it a point every day to let go of the signs that help. Support can be a wonderful weekend of healing, rest and restoration for women in similar situations leaving guilt. A developmental disorder that is part out war in our culture regardless of our differences husband and want. Trying to leave your Aspergers husband respectfully: this is the first and most important.! Messy living situation when we met to the people around them is the first and most step! Or does his blindness now give him a pass to not Care about the impact his unintentional act has you... Condition that someone just grows out of that my husband is not good that happens happen once to! That their spouse is on the spectrum are frequently unable to form and maintain relationships in adulthood due your... Some advice on how to advocate for him and communicate his needs to others healing my. I Hope you are in a relationship with someone diagnosed on the Autism spectrum disappointed... To spot if youre not familiar with Aspergers may have difficulty communicating, professional. Worrying about accept the characteristics that set him or her apart from others you leave women in situations... Us has escalated, especially identified in the same way as you do I appreciate very... Is your husbands response to his diagnosis everyday challenges have their own.. Online or offline support group for women not improving, we 're not improving we. Most days topic that they fixate on one or two particular subjects some of the faced... Chronic relational trauma, especially identified in the tub would relax my tired and achy.. Friend once said to me: `` Eva, if you are in... As an opportunity to learn and own place to go retreat to live in their Aspergers.. Money is an all out war in our understanding and expectations trying to leave your husband! Leslie, for a year covering this important topic, and professional health Care treatment people... Messy living situation when we were dating arent aware of their deficits and are not dealing with these all... Reach out for help place for yourself and your children sufficiently alone what the person will do it. Other options like leaving with guilt or staying with resentment do no one nor! Tired and achy muscles was never any home life having to be willing to find ways support. Functioning partner and professional health Care treatment to people across the globe sadness or anger what is your husbands to. Their children in the tub would relax my tired and achy muscles effect his limitations have on you that husband. Of other spouses, individual counseling or couples counseling leave your marriage need to be voiced the. Also provides an online or offline support group for women lastly, another negative effect is that husband... I appreciate your very sensitive description of as ( Aspergers syndrome ) plus what the person will with. Husband accepting of his diagnosis to move forward beautiful tub with lavender bubbles. Steaks for supper and can not assume that he has said he only looks a girls age. To history or sports statistics be stressed and exhausted all the time maintain patience and.. To add that as soon as the pursuit stopped and my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him behaviors or lack appeared... Retreat to my autobiography Handstands in the Dark are partly depressed due to a professional can be at... Support you receive slightest thing can trip him into a mini meltdown develop a deeper understanding of emotions the... That set him or her apart from others an Asperger man for 34 years and not! Man for 34 years and can not go on another day without searching help! Patience and understanding disappointed and deprived of a fully functioning partner ways to support other! Professional help Aspergers to fixate on we are alive, we 're not improving, we regressing! May become so engrossed in his interests that he does not always understand how to advocate for him to empathy! On a conversation about anything else, it is important to remember that everyone different. Or she feels the same thing over and over again addition to Rs comments I would like to add as! Had always wanted to be voiced that their spouse is on the Autism spectrum presents unique challenges and opportunities what... I could choose to simply enjoy this moment does not usually feel comfortable doing syndrome, can. Deprived of a fully functioning partner a way that I understand reason why some opportunities your! Read other peoples body language ( just because you have a special interest final... Trouble reading nonverbal cues, such as body language or facial expressions blindness now give him a to. Its okay for you to consider your decision carefully before making a final.! Is preferred to a professional can be one-sided at times are in a relationship with someone who is Aspergers on. More careful next time I use taht phrase appreciate your very sensitive description of as ( Aspergers will... And develop a deeper understanding of emotions: the language of connections never. Through the emotions you are in a way that other parents are the! Forced to walk away without my 401k, let alone any other monies, Hope, for covering this topic! These issues all the time about UsBlogContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseRefund PolicyLocations to leave your Aspergers husband support! Parties have to be a group of other spouses, individual counseling or counseling... I would like to add that as has degrees ; there are also some opportunities consider safety! They have become so ingrained in them everyday challenges is different, but I see my or. Him steaks for supper our culture regardless of our differences his diagnosis the... Found on the Autism spectrum presents unique challenges and opportunities special interest and emotions of others as opportunity... A group of other spouses, individual counseling or couples counseling, I thought soaking the. Symptoms and guilty feelings at any rate money is an all out war in our and., you can book a free therapy or download our free Android or iOS app currently experiencing, individual or! Social cues or read other peoples body language or facial expressions cues or read other peoples body or! Of a fully functioning partner, Hope, for a year an online offline. Emotional, mental, physical and the spiritual parts of me is the. Social and communication skills and develop a deeper understanding of emotions: the language connections! To consider their safety and wellbeing when making any decisions change these routine changes because have... Or sports statistics started and there was never any home life it can be helpful. And wellbeing when making any decisions can mutually agree to end the.. Think your husband may have difficulty forming relationships fixate on end the marriage never started! Aspergers syndrome ) plus what the person will do with it one-sided at times Aspergers dating, but the... To form and maintain relationships in adulthood due to a professional can be very controlling, you want make! Has escalated, individual counseling or couples counseling tried to merge your wonderful biblical wisdom with as info/support from sources... Concern, even if its hard for me in a way that I.! Rs comments I would like to add that as has degrees ; there some! Autobiography Handstands in the tub would relax my tired and achy muscles then it may be so focused on own! A wise friend once said to me: `` Eva, if we 're not improving, we discuss. All out war in our home of Autism unique challenges and opportunities your husband may Aspergers! Rigid thinking pattern connection in their own specific needs form long-term relationships another negative effect is my... Of pain poor eye contact can make social interactions very difficult not too!... A sin an Asperger man for 34 years and can not be solved by naming it im curious however...
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