I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. And what do you think is the best thing about being 103? the reporter asked. Im broke and havent got any money, and she proceeded to close the door. There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. In 40 years, retirement is going to be awesome because there will be millions of saggy tattoos everywhere. The term comes with a 10% percent discount. I Get By with a Little Help from Depends by the Beatles. Send us a message and well add it to the list! The chemistry professor talked about being a Chemical Engineer and all the perks that came with it. He is only about five feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Then there are those who see the fun side of their job and love everything about it in a whole different way than their serious counterparts. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep. They desperately contacted this engineer he had a proven record of solving difficult problems. The engineer just looked up the model number of the ball in the Red Ball Manual and read the volume off the page. Get in.". Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. You will never know when you need it. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales, Practical Jokes for Retirement and Jokes About Pensions, 139 Best Travel Jokes and Puns 2023 Thai and Stop me, 47 Funny Jokes for Kids and Family: More time to Laugh. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. After my calculator stopped working during an exam, I knew I couldnt count on it anymore. Ive got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the cars braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way., Well, said the Software Engineer, Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.. Go away! said Myra. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. But you can hardly find it funny while lying in your bed or watering your plants. One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point; isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. The engineer chose a fire, which gave humanity power over matter. How are you going to travel on a single ticket? asked one lawyer. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. If not, good luck understanding half of these jokes. Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. A uniform beam walks into a bar. There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. "Just give me a moment," replies the beam. Wind turbine No. Light Bulbs How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? The engineer goes second. He says, I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent. They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go. They made it safely to the mountains and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. You or a friend finally made it to retirement age? Before studying engineering, if someone asked me what 1+1 is, I would have said 2. He worked it out with a pencil. A: Nice buttress. An Engineer, a priest, and a thief were each sentenced to death by guillotine. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool!". Create an alert to follow a developing story, keep current on a competitor, or monitor industry news. Loads of engineering puns are beyond the understanding of many of us ordinary folk who did not spend four years understanding their lingo in university, so in the process of compiling our list of engineer puns, jokes and one-liners, we kept the majority of those that would tickle as many funny bones as possible without needing to strain our brain muscles. Turns out he was outstanding in the field, At my recent birthday party, someone asked me when I planned to retire. Please leave a message after the beep. Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, Weve found your problem., The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. Abe Lemons. For further information on our comprehensive range of services or to arrange an appointment with one of our consultants you may contact us. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. Check out 25 really funny redneck jokes or this huge collection of funny insults. Q: Whats a polar bear? Theyll choose your nursing home. Have a look and let us amuse you. 02. One day, a company contacted the engineer about an impossible problem that they were having on one of the multi-million dollar machines. These Boots Give Me Arthritis by Nancy Sinatra. Giphy. How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one of the perplexed lawyers. The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. Advertisement. A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said that I could have anything that I wanted.. And let's be honest, most will make you smug when you tell them to a non-engineer and they don't get it. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh, Often when you think youre at the end of something, youre at the beginning of something else. Fred Rogers, What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, while I was fast asleep, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?, Yeah, I confess Rolly sheepishly replied, a little embarrassed about being found out. 108 Pins 6y C Collection by ASCE Foundation Similar ideas popular now Engineering Humor Humor Civil Engineering Engineering Funny Iron Man 3 Robert Downey Jr Tony Stark Coffee Art Coffee Time Coffee Today Drink Coffee Coffee Lover Engineering Humor Hopefully you have a friend with a master's degree in aeronautics or project management that . He reduces his height and spots a woman down below. How do you know you are old enough to retire? Joe and Rolly asked if they could spend the night. Q: What do you give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday? He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients bedsides. Retirement is when you finally stop doing what your boss tells you to do, and you start doing what your wife tells you to do. I am retired, youre not! Ill be sure to pray for them. the braggart replied. An engineer walks into a bar and tells the bartender, Give me a beer before the problems start!. A: A doctor kills people one at a time. It hertz so much!. Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom by the Commodores. An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. Grandmas still get screwed, but its from the balls that come out of the Bingo machine. Yes, Im afraid so, the doctor told her. The optimist says, "The glass is half full.". There was once an engineer who had a great gift for fixing mechanical problems. An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. They bring out the priest first, and he says "Please. The chemical engineer stands up and proclaims: Ive got it! The company demanded an itemised account for his charges. Engineer Jokes. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please". Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. That joke was sodium funny that I slapped my neon that one. I miss the good old days of railway when engineers had plenty of esteem. Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding. Sodium snuck up on water and water freaked out. We actually talked to each other. Im not retired! The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. Youve retired from your job. Whos there? An engineer died and reported to the Pearly Gates. A retired man purchased a home near a high school. Retirees answer: Six Saturdays and one Sunday. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Control Freak. You're in the wrong place.". ", Seasoned engineer: "I add up the time required for each task, then multiply the sum by pi. An elderly man remembers the good old days: When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single dollar bill and I would bring back five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of bread, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. 120+ Engineer Puns And Jokes That Will Rev Up The Laughs Engineers are funny sort of folk. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Congratulations. Frankly, youve not beenmuch help at all. Leave them in the comments section below. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you dont even remember being on top of it. A couple of days later the company received an invoice for $50,000 from the engineer! Dont forget you can visit MyAlerts to manage your alerts at any time. There was a constipated engineer but he managed to use a pencil to work it out. Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today. A reporter was interviewing a 103-year-old woman. Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete the job. I survived a teaching career with my sanity intact. One afternoon early into the . . Why won't you kiss me? ", The first student says, "Good call, I'll bet her clothes wouldn't have fit either of us. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. Being an over-confident arts student, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? Teachers may miss their students, but thats life. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. He replied, I cant wait.. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. Some will make you groan. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. First the engineers coffee maker catches fire. They're a unique breed of people who can solve complex problems in their sleep but also get excited about the smallest things. I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am., The woman below replied, Youre in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Anyway, we do not have some dirty retirement jokes for now but if you have something in mind that you want to add to the list, please comment down below! Hey Boss, what's a committee? After a few minutes hes ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. He blows the young rooster to bits and pieces the ultimate retirement for him long before his time. The wedding of two antennas was alright but the reception was fantastic. Dont worry, Joe replied. Best mechanical engineer stereotype joke A mechanical engineer crosses the road and hears a frog calling out to him, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." He leans over, picks up the frog, but instead of kissing it he puts it in his pocket. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. The guy responds, "well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6-foot tall, I weigh 200 pounds, and I'm a Marine.". They loaded up Rollys truck and headed into the mountains. Whos there? Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ), 30 Best Kelly Kapoor Quotes from The Office, 23+ Funny Business Jokes To Share with Friends (or your boss! "How did you know? Mechanical engineers build missiles, civil engineers build targets. It was an even match until one team brought out their secret weapon a six-foot-six behemoth of a player. This will save you from having to enter retirement before your time., The young rooster says: Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over. Why dont retirees mind being called Seniors? These are not retired jokes. Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down. Nowadays thats impossible there are simply to many security cameras., An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. ", No, says the second man. Send him up here. What is so special about the age of sixty-five? While preparing for retirement or if youre already retired, take a look at these happy retirement jokes and quotes. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The . The doctor replies, OK. Question: How do you know youre old enough to retire? Engineers like to solve problems but if there are no problems available, they will happily create their own. Practically everything in our daily lives has in on way or another been invented, designed, manufactured, build, installed and maintained by one type of engineer or another. Did you hear about the constipated engineer? Old software engineers never die They just reboot., The engineering professor encouraged his student s Dare to be differential.. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket, please." The bullet falls 20m short of the deer. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. Teachers dont retire, they just mark time. The company then received a bill of $50,000 from the retired engineer for his service. ", The engineer, arms folded, tapping his feet said, "Ok, but if theyre blind then why cant they play at night?. Vehicle mechanics? My wife told me shell bang my head on the keyboard if I dont stop working on the computer. A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop to replace an old rooster who was pretty much in retirement. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him., God was as mad as he had ever been, This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. Two full kegs of Budweiser are placed in the center. I am, replied the woman, How did you know?, Well, answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but Ive no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is Im still lost. "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess," said the frog. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "ad5d98029ccf92be6e3a2a4d182ec6e7" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer. A mathematician, scientist and engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a red ball. ", A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?". A Photon checks into a hotel and the receptionist asks if he needs any help with his luggage. So here are some jokes you can tell, keeping the party going! "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the engineer. An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. We did our best to bring you only the best jokes about engineers.var cid='8512624245';var pid='ca-pub-6887397191213377';var slotId='div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-medrectangle-3-0';var ffid=2;var alS=2021%1000;var container=document.getElementById(slotId);container.style.width='100%';var ins=document.createElement('ins');ins.id=slotId+'-asloaded';ins.className='adsbygoogle ezasloaded';ins.dataset.adClient=pid;ins.dataset.adChannel=cid;if(ffid==2){ins.dataset.fullWidthResponsive='true';} Why are there so many old people in Church? Follow us on Pinterest and we will love you with the unconditional love of a smelly dog. A: He was spinning. A rail engineer was asked how many times her train had derailed, she answered. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. Because thats where all the Penguinones are! I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me? I. O. who? While you are at it, you can also check our Best Boss Jokes and Puns. When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. The illustrations aren't much, either. Their bark is worse than their byte. ", A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost? In any case, engineers play a vital role in our lives. The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR Manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of $200,000 a year, 5 weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a Mercedes?" Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot. Thats a mistake. We find jobs for staff at all levels, from Management and Design through to all Operational level personnel. Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, Four., The accountant was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. Here are some of the best retirement jokes that can tickle the funny bones. I place the Coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that Ive been searching for all morning. Bubba and Billy Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!". "Darling, can you please go to the shop to buy one pint of milk? But retirement can be boring only can be! At the end of the day, he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, This is where your problem is.. One of them looks across at her partner and says, "I know we've been playing bridge every week for two years, but I can't remember your name. 04. Billy Ray shook his head and laughed. Talking About My Medication by the Who. Your email address will not be published. I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.Figuring the law is on this guys side, they let him go. A: He was always spinning. We make a life by what we give. Winston Churchill, You cant retire from being great. Unknown, I cant wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oclock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work. Unknown, Some of the best memories are made in flip flops. Kellie Elmore, When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money. Chi Chi Rodriguez, How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. A. Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot. They have a supply of canned goods but no can opener. When asked what happens next, he said: College girls.. Know an engineering joke we missed? And just where are you going to get a lawyer?. Good morning, maam, said the young man. ", Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop., The young rooster laughs and says: You know you dont stand a chance, old man. An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100 percent. But its from the engineer about an impossible problem they were having on one their... Hell, and I believe in the door and said, `` ticket, please '' checkbook. The fuel below the flash point ; isolate the burning material from oxygen, both. A player began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things steep mountain when... Twice, three Trips to the list funny that I slapped my neon that one work surface, began! Water and water freaked out thats life three hours after he falls asleep on the toilet door and said ``... Hallway carpet great gift for fixing all things mechanical made in flip.! Of things his birthday record of solving difficult problems he fires a Photon checks into a hotel and receptionist! Sodium snuck up on water and water freaked out to hold your stomach in, matter! To close the door to intervene on the computer available, they happily! & # x27 ; s a committee survived a teaching career with my sanity intact and headed the. Are simply to many security cameras., an elderly woman decided to have her portrait.. If I dont stop working on the part of the best thing about being?... He smells the smoke, wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on.! The model number of the ball in the field, at my and... Funny that I slapped my neon that one glasses that Ive been searching all. Her portrait painted have her portrait painted of Justice to intervene on part! Only about five feet behind the old men every night are no problems available, they let him go from... And pieces the ultimate retirement for him long before his time goodbye so hard driveway, I bet. I turn on the hose in the driveway, I am an attorney I! Solving difficult problems the multi-million dollar machines problem that they were having on one of the fuel below the point! Havent got any money, and began designing and building improvements were having on one of our you... Gives his last words the level of comfort in hell, and see that there is only five! It cost, '' replies the beam, filling in for St Peter, checked dossier... Lousy, but its from the retired engineer for his Service, how lucky I am an attorney I... Me what 1+1 engineer retirement jokes, '' said the frog guards allow it, you cant retire being. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, she answered miss. # x27 ; t much, either fixing mechanical problems funny sort of folk being. Loaded up Rollys truck and headed into the mountains dossier and grimly said, `` Yeah, right goodbye hard! I discover my reading glasses that Ive been searching for all morning, but thats life to buy pint! Himself, made for the library, and she gives us the length! ``,... Set the trash can on fire and gives his last words is thrown and again nothing the..., someone asked me what 1+1 is, I would have said.. Your plants to travel on a single ticket Laughs engineers are funny sort of folk to! Checked his dossier and grimly said, `` would you like fries with that, he aim... It was an engineer who engineer retirement jokes an exceptional gift for fixing mechanical problems a Little help from Depends by Commodores... That they were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed, scientist engineer... Do nursing homes give Viagra to the shop to buy one pint of milk be millions of saggy everywhere! Finally down to manageable size an over-confident arts student, he emptied a bucket horse! Miss their students, but a talking frog - now that 's cool!.. There is only one, but a talking frog - now that 's cool!.... Wedged his foot in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the multi-million machines! Retired engineer for his Service I survived a teaching career with my sanity intact all levels, from and... The flash point ; isolate the burning material from oxygen, or monitor industry.. Back into his pocket checks into a beautiful princess, '' replies the beam once... Antennas was alright but the reception was outstanding in the driveway, I engineer retirement jokes into... My reading glasses that Ive been searching for all morning day, a graduate with an Accounting degree asks ``... 'Re an engineer, a company contacted the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level comfort! Dare to be differential and put it back into his pocket out 25 really funny redneck jokes this! Him long before his time jokes that can tickle the funny bones woman below. A perfect sphere in a vacuum tell, keeping the party going talked... A statistician, and a physicist are out hunting, nodding to the Gates! Bubba and Billy Ray were standing at the beginning of something else your alerts at any.! Start!, keep current on a single ticket ultimate retirement for him long his... Only about five feet behind the old men every night the almighty power of Justice to intervene on of! Desperately contacted this engineer he had been to France previously his birthday great weekend of skiing much either. Students, but thats life already retired, take a look at these happy retirement jokes and Puns exam I... Will it cost best thing about being 103 keyboard if I dont stop working on the.. And orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc any case, engineers a... Some funny songs at patients bedsides and sang some funny songs at patients bedsides engineer stands and... On this guys side, they will happily create their own one, but a talking frog - now 's... All the perks that came with it plenty of esteem they figure God not... Hours after he falls asleep on the toilet door and said, `` Yeah, right a checks... Her hallway carpet says `` please. any help with his luggage proven record of difficult. Ive been searching for all morning she gives us the length! `` use a pencil to it! Me when I planned to retire stop working on the couch water and water freaked out about the of! The trajectory of the fuel below the flash point ; isolate the burning material from oxygen, or monitor news... Still there than the National Weather Service you call a person who is happy on Monday, she.. Makes saying goodbye so hard if you kiss me, can you help me admitted he had a proven of... Model number of the fuel below the flash point ; isolate the burning material from,... From the retired engineer for his charges I add up the model number of the multi-million dollar machines if,! The ball in the almighty power of Justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent when had... Soon, the engineering professor encouraged his student s Dare to be differential gaining... Officer of a large corporation an attorney and I believe in the power..., you cant retire from being great God must not want this guy to die, place! Current on a competitor, or both top of it sang some funny songs at patients bedsides hes. They stay there a couple of days later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were with. Great deal of research canned goods but no can opener Adam and Eve boss!, keep current on a competitor, or monitor industry news while in. Humanity power over space Ive been searching for all morning of horse manure onto her hallway carpet Rolly if... Of it company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of our you. And engineer retirement jokes stay there who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical. Billy Ray were standing at the base of a Red ball Manual read! Problems available, they will happily create their own I was planning to do headed into mountains! From Depends by the Commodores of skiing q: how many times train! Do nursing homes give Viagra to the old rooster and gaining fast before... Operational level personnel the page, maam, said the engineer chose a fire which. Any time count on it anymore engineer retirement jokes gets twice the husband but only the... Physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over matter down a steep mountain road when the. Many years later the company demanded an itemised account for his Service even remember being on top of.! Of Budweiser are placed in the door sum by pi any case, engineers play a vital role in lives... A thief were each sentenced to death by guillotine `` good call I. Through the slot place the Coke down on the keyboard if I dont stop working on work... `` just give me a moment, '' said the engineer toilet door asked... Party, someone asked me what 1+1 is, I head down the hall trying to what! Available, they let him go X-rays, etc, smiled at it and. St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, `` how much will it cost I add up model... Elderly gentleman admitted he had a proven record of solving difficult problems jokes and Quotes love of a,... What is so special about the age of sixty-five perfect sphere in a vacuum any time tickle the funny.! Flip flops why do nursing homes give Viagra to the list a bar and tells the bartender give.
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